I have recently found myself in company with loads of free time. Aside from gawking at hot females on the street and solving intergalactic space crime, life has been pretty uneventful. I have hence retreated back to the shadowy unknown where i chanced upon the scantily clad Cohen sisters dancing around the eight armed Albino Goddess. They sensed my eyes all over their gyrating bodies and invited me over by means of a slow and periodic curling motion of their index fingers. I was startled and offered to show them my book collection and thats when the cruel laughter began. Everything started to dissolve and I woke up drenched in my own sweat.
Its a great day. Sunny and everything. Birds are happy and doing it furiously against the A/C. I am sure you are here for your customary pearls of wisdom and with great difficulty i resist the temptation of free early morning feather porn , and talk to about you issues that are currently going on in this head of mine.
- I have just discovered that i am a bit shite at posing for photographs .Can never get the balance right between cheesy grin and comical expression of faked astonishment. End up looking borderline retarded and it happens every fucking time.
- I think Porn gives us men lots of unrealistic expectations. For starters you cannot be ugly as pig shit and have women as hot as that sleep with you in every position imaginable ! I really had no idea knew that a Pizza delivery uniform can evoke that much feminine passion. Also, women have to lower their expectations and come around to the fact that not every naked man has dragon tattoos on his back and an organ the size of Chile.
- The Earth is millions of years old and it seems rather silly to celebrate one year. Bit like having a countdown every time i go to for a piss. And making resolutions is just plain retarded. "I will get a girlfriend, i will get laid , i will get a job and i will cut my nails regularly." Fuck off ! You are the same person and nothing has changed except a digit on the date. If you were incompetent, lazy, fat, stupid or ugly, chances are that the changing digit on the date wont change any of that. Either get a brain or a personality transplant or simply quit it.
- People who continuously and compulsively apologize for trivial mistakes piss me off. You are sorry , he gets it. For God's sake you spilled a glass of water, not fucked his mother.
- If I were gay, I would ask out Al Pacino. If i were gay and retarded, i would cheat on Cheryl Tweedy.
Sunday 28 February 2010
Thursday 11 February 2010
Coming Out Of The Closet
'Geek' is not a word people would generally associate me with. I am highly certain if people i went to high school with, were questioned , they would probably raise their eyebrows, give you an incredulous look and between loud snorts of derision, tell you that you are a 'fucking idiot' and point out to you the error of your ways . Most would prefer remembering me by adjectives like 'rebel' or 'wierdo' but a few lowlives who still bear a misplaced sense of animosity would label me with various uncomplimentary names like a 'Hairy Assbandit'. I kindly request you to ignore them and push them off a mountain cliff. Or better, Set their Irodov textbooks on fire. That would anyways have them jumping off the cliffs voluntarily, Hee hee .
So after much thought and much less action, i have decided to let this be the day that i come out of the closet . I am tempted to deliver a Bill Pullman's Independence Day like speech but i shall refrain for the sake of your sanity and in an attempt to banish your growing sense of disbelief, i shall list to you, things that you barely know about me thus establishing without a shadow of doubt, the extreme levels of geekosterone in my being.
- I read the first 4 Harry Potter books, like 20 times each. I used to steal broomsticks from the house and take them to a secret place. I would then sit on one of them , constantly kicking the ground like an stupid retard . Mom was confused when she saw ' Firebolt' engraved in one of the brooms.
- Wanted to enact the part of 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' in some shitty play in class, when a female ( now a very good friend) looked at me with disdain and said , "Excuse me ? But wasnt Tom Riddle supposed to be good looking ?" ( Still hurts btw)
- Used to trade Pokemon cards with like minded people and i remember telling people off from stealing other people's cards because its not a good thing to do morally and how cards were exactly like Pokemon and you cannot engineer a healty level of mutual trust, admiration and love with stolen cards. Apparently.
- Once, my anger caused me to curse one of my fellow classmates. I lost control as i picked up my pen, shouting at the top of my lungs " You will pay for this, you bastard." and then pointed the pen at his chest and cried, ' Petrificus Totalus'. Nothing happened and i felt like an idiot . Cried myself to sleep that night because this incident had well and try proved that i was nothing but a fucking Muggle.
- I once weighed myself before and after taking a dump. The only conclusion i came to was that i needed an instrument with a much lesser 'least count'.
- Whenever alone, used to borrow the leg of some broken chair, strutting around like Gandalf the Grey complete with his staff . Scared the shit out of my brother once , when i duplicated the epic ' You shall not pass ! ' with the leg of a wooden chair.
- Thought i was as cool as Samuel L Jackson, when i scratched out the ' DO NOT' in the 'Please Do Not Scratch, Scribble Or By Any Other Means, Spoil The Lift.' Got caught the next day trying to add some finishing touches to my 'work' and my dad had to pay the fine.
- Half created a Marauder's map of Singhania and spent more than a month searching for a Chamber Of Secrets in the school. Went to every basin in the school and made hissing noises. People thought i was retarded.
- Wanted to do a Gollum and address my first love letter as ' My Preciousssss.' Thought better of it. Fortunately.
- Choke Slammed a very good friend ( who was an bellend back then) on the teacher's table because he described 'Chris Jericho's entry music as 'tripe'. " Take that you prick !" I remember screaming after i slammed the poor motherfucker, "And you dont say shit about Jericho. Like Ever !"
- Some snake obsessed black magic practising classmate made voodoos of me ( No kidding) because i had apparently pissed him off in some way . One day, i felt his highly evil gaze on me and my stomach started paining real bad. I was convinced that i was completely under his 'spell' and so i tore a paper and wrote my will, donating my books to the charity and making my brother the rightful heir to my epic collection of Pokemon Cards, Tazos and Video games . The pain increased with every passing moment till i got home and took a dump.
My brother was not best pleased.
- I once celebrated scoring a decent goal by doing a Jack Sparrow impersonation of 'Where is all the Rum gone ?' . My team mates asked me if i was on my period.
- Threatened to actually skin a person alive and eat his liver with pineapple jam, when he mentioned something along the lines of Samwise Gamgee and Frodo harbouring sexual feelings for each other.
- Duplicated Ruud Van Nistelrooy's hairdo but couldnt score a penalty to save my life . Duplicated David Beckham's hairdo and couldnt score, no matter how 'Loos' the girls were. Duplicated Jimi Hendrix and got called a rapist.
- Once saw a used condom fallen on the ground and I thought it was a balloon. I was going to blow it up before one of my friends told me exactly what it was used for and the places the rubbery fucker may have visted.
- The first time I was contemplating asking a girl out, I was the confident Marlon Brando in front of the guy friends telling them stuff like ' I shall make her an offer she cannnot refuse' and other similar things. But when it was time to walk the walk,
Rohit- Hi
Girl - Hey Rohit, you wanted to see me ?
Rohit - Er yeah.
Girl - Yeah, what happened ?
Rohit - I was just wondering...
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Well, i was just..
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Er, i was..
Girl - * Beautiful Smile*
Rohit - What toothpaste you use ?
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Yeah, er ! Toothpaste ?
Girl - Er Pepsodent , why ?
Rohit - No, nothing. That was exactly what i was wondering.
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Never mind. I was just kinda curious.
Girl - Huh ? Why ?
Rohit - Its er..nothing, really. I am doing like a er...a survey.
Girl - Erm okay. * Fucking wierdo*
That night, Rohit Saha slept with the fishes.
- Was a Self Appointed Sex councillor back in std 6th. Explained to a guy (Code name - Dixcy) that you cannot get pregnant by kissing. To which he said, "Arre Baba , i heard that some glands in the mouth produce semen as well and if this semen gets transferred from my mouth to hers and through her entire digestive tract and into her ovaries , phir to waat hai na ? ". I narrowed my eyes, put a hand on my chin and with a sombre expression said. " Man ! That is something i have never thought about."
- Have seen Fight Club so many times that i rattled out Tyler Durden's entire 'Middle Children Of History' speech, sloshed.
There are many such incidents but i cannot remember them all. So, i think its time to conclude the in depth 'Cribbs' like tour of my closet. The shower of skeletons falling from all directions just goes to show that behind the visage of a Rebellious Metalhead, lies a true Geek . I dont let him come out too often, for this world is not a safe place for him. He will stay locked up in the closet and bide his time. One day, the Earth will become a better place , and he will be free to go.
Blah, i am getting sentimental now, so signing off seems the only logical thing to do . Cheers.
P. S - Watch Francis Ford Copolla's Vietnam War Epic 'Apocalypse Now' whilst stoned. Takes it to a whole new level. :-D
So after much thought and much less action, i have decided to let this be the day that i come out of the closet . I am tempted to deliver a Bill Pullman's Independence Day like speech but i shall refrain for the sake of your sanity and in an attempt to banish your growing sense of disbelief, i shall list to you, things that you barely know about me thus establishing without a shadow of doubt, the extreme levels of geekosterone in my being.
- I read the first 4 Harry Potter books, like 20 times each. I used to steal broomsticks from the house and take them to a secret place. I would then sit on one of them , constantly kicking the ground like an stupid retard . Mom was confused when she saw ' Firebolt' engraved in one of the brooms.
- Wanted to enact the part of 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' in some shitty play in class, when a female ( now a very good friend) looked at me with disdain and said , "Excuse me ? But wasnt Tom Riddle supposed to be good looking ?" ( Still hurts btw)
- Used to trade Pokemon cards with like minded people and i remember telling people off from stealing other people's cards because its not a good thing to do morally and how cards were exactly like Pokemon and you cannot engineer a healty level of mutual trust, admiration and love with stolen cards. Apparently.
- Once, my anger caused me to curse one of my fellow classmates. I lost control as i picked up my pen, shouting at the top of my lungs " You will pay for this, you bastard." and then pointed the pen at his chest and cried, ' Petrificus Totalus'. Nothing happened and i felt like an idiot . Cried myself to sleep that night because this incident had well and try proved that i was nothing but a fucking Muggle.
- I once weighed myself before and after taking a dump. The only conclusion i came to was that i needed an instrument with a much lesser 'least count'.
- Whenever alone, used to borrow the leg of some broken chair, strutting around like Gandalf the Grey complete with his staff . Scared the shit out of my brother once , when i duplicated the epic ' You shall not pass ! ' with the leg of a wooden chair.
- Thought i was as cool as Samuel L Jackson, when i scratched out the ' DO NOT' in the 'Please Do Not Scratch, Scribble Or By Any Other Means, Spoil The Lift.' Got caught the next day trying to add some finishing touches to my 'work' and my dad had to pay the fine.
- Half created a Marauder's map of Singhania and spent more than a month searching for a Chamber Of Secrets in the school. Went to every basin in the school and made hissing noises. People thought i was retarded.
- Wanted to do a Gollum and address my first love letter as ' My Preciousssss.' Thought better of it. Fortunately.
- Choke Slammed a very good friend ( who was an bellend back then) on the teacher's table because he described 'Chris Jericho's entry music as 'tripe'. " Take that you prick !" I remember screaming after i slammed the poor motherfucker, "And you dont say shit about Jericho. Like Ever !"
- Some snake obsessed black magic practising classmate made voodoos of me ( No kidding) because i had apparently pissed him off in some way . One day, i felt his highly evil gaze on me and my stomach started paining real bad. I was convinced that i was completely under his 'spell' and so i tore a paper and wrote my will, donating my books to the charity and making my brother the rightful heir to my epic collection of Pokemon Cards, Tazos and Video games . The pain increased with every passing moment till i got home and took a dump.
My brother was not best pleased.
- I once celebrated scoring a decent goal by doing a Jack Sparrow impersonation of 'Where is all the Rum gone ?' . My team mates asked me if i was on my period.
- Threatened to actually skin a person alive and eat his liver with pineapple jam, when he mentioned something along the lines of Samwise Gamgee and Frodo harbouring sexual feelings for each other.
- Duplicated Ruud Van Nistelrooy's hairdo but couldnt score a penalty to save my life . Duplicated David Beckham's hairdo and couldnt score, no matter how 'Loos' the girls were. Duplicated Jimi Hendrix and got called a rapist.
- Once saw a used condom fallen on the ground and I thought it was a balloon. I was going to blow it up before one of my friends told me exactly what it was used for and the places the rubbery fucker may have visted.
- The first time I was contemplating asking a girl out, I was the confident Marlon Brando in front of the guy friends telling them stuff like ' I shall make her an offer she cannnot refuse' and other similar things. But when it was time to walk the walk,
Rohit- Hi
Girl - Hey Rohit, you wanted to see me ?
Rohit - Er yeah.
Girl - Yeah, what happened ?
Rohit - I was just wondering...
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Well, i was just..
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Er, i was..
Girl - * Beautiful Smile*
Rohit - What toothpaste you use ?
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Yeah, er ! Toothpaste ?
Girl - Er Pepsodent , why ?
Rohit - No, nothing. That was exactly what i was wondering.
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Never mind. I was just kinda curious.
Girl - Huh ? Why ?
Rohit - Its er..nothing, really. I am doing like a er...a survey.
Girl - Erm okay. * Fucking wierdo*
That night, Rohit Saha slept with the fishes.
- Was a Self Appointed Sex councillor back in std 6th. Explained to a guy (Code name - Dixcy) that you cannot get pregnant by kissing. To which he said, "Arre Baba , i heard that some glands in the mouth produce semen as well and if this semen gets transferred from my mouth to hers and through her entire digestive tract and into her ovaries , phir to waat hai na ? ". I narrowed my eyes, put a hand on my chin and with a sombre expression said. " Man ! That is something i have never thought about."
- Have seen Fight Club so many times that i rattled out Tyler Durden's entire 'Middle Children Of History' speech, sloshed.
There are many such incidents but i cannot remember them all. So, i think its time to conclude the in depth 'Cribbs' like tour of my closet. The shower of skeletons falling from all directions just goes to show that behind the visage of a Rebellious Metalhead, lies a true Geek . I dont let him come out too often, for this world is not a safe place for him. He will stay locked up in the closet and bide his time. One day, the Earth will become a better place , and he will be free to go.
Blah, i am getting sentimental now, so signing off seems the only logical thing to do . Cheers.
P. S - Watch Francis Ford Copolla's Vietnam War Epic 'Apocalypse Now' whilst stoned. Takes it to a whole new level. :-D
Sunday 7 February 2010
Toilet Chronicles
We are in Goa, standing outside a car hiring station where I recall having this wierd conversation.
Elden - Dude, nature calls. Anyone want to come with me ?
Jaideep - To watch you pee ?
Elden - No, no. We can go ask the car guy if there is any place nearby.
Rohit - Where the fuck do you think we are ? Fucking Singapore ?
Saagar - Ha ha, place to pee for fuck's sake ! This is India, man. Unzip, Hold and Shoot.
Elden - Whatever happened to good old Hygiene ?!?
Rohit - I will go with you. I need to deballast myself. Lets ask this guy.
Elden - Dude, is there a toilet nearby ?
Car Dude - Yeah mate, go right ahead.
Rohit and Elden - Thanks man.
*Goes straight in*
Rohit - Man this place smells like Satan took an epic dump. And there is just one shitpot.
Elden - Dude, some perspective okay. A minute ago we were contemplating relieving ourselves on Bipasha Basu's poster, on the wall.
Rohit - Dude, She is the best thing to come out my motherland after Sushmita Sen and Egg Roll. I wouldnt pee on her poster even if they held me at gunpoint. Voluntarily atleast.
Elden - Okay okay. Give me some space man. I really need to go in.
Rohit - Okay. Remember the keywords. Latch and Flush.
*Elden goes in and closes the door while I wait outside*
Elden- Motherfucker ! This shit door wont latch. Just dont come inside !
Rohit - Oh absolutely ! Watching you pee wasnt really on my list of things to do before I die.
Elden - Dude, dont you love the feeling of relief after holding back for so long ?
Rohit - Er, be specific man. That sounded like one of those sweet nothings you tell a chick after sex.
Elden - I am talking about peeing, okay.
Rohit - Okay, whatever. Yeah, maybe.
Elden - Motherfucker !!!
Rohit - Now what ?
Elden - The fucking flush does not work.
Rohit - Motherfucker !!! Thats another thing i will have to strike out from the things to do before you die list. 'Pee on another man's pee.' Thats just fucking sweet.
Elden - Dude, i am done.
Rohit - This place fills me with as much confidence as recovering sexaholic Russell Brand telling poor, unsuspecting Katy Perry: "You’re the only one for me, luv"
* Elden comes out, I go in. I close the door, he waits for me outside while i go in*
Rohit - Fuuuuuckkkk. Ooooh, Aaaaah....... I have waited soo long for this.
Elden - Dude, please stop having an oral orgasm in there.
Rohit - Fuck off man ! Not every moan has to symbolize sexual liberation. Do yourself a favour and cut down the 'Naughty America' for a few days. Maybe then, you can distinguish a 'relief' moan from a 'BJ' moan.
Elden - Now, some perspective here. An All-Guys hostel and No Naughty America is like Metallica without Cliff Burton.
Rohit - True that. Metallica turned a bit shite after he died.Bless the great man's soul ! FYI , My Reynold's number now above 4000.
Elden - If i remember Juggy D's ramblings correctly in Fluid Mech class, you are clearly experiencing Turbulent Fluid Flow. Ha ha, they should put a miniature airhostess inside your tract. "Ladies and Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, we are expecting turbulence."
Ha ha ha Ha ha.
Rohit -You Sir, are a disgusting little motherfucker. But tell me, why on earth do you call him Juggy D ?
Elden - Well, if i had a name like Jagdeeshwaran, i would have sued my parents for every freaking penny they got.
Rohit - Not that you have a great name anyway. When i first heard your name i thought you were Elton and Gay.
Elden - I would rather be Gay, than have the name of the hairy protagonist in every second pseudo-homo bollywood flick .
Rohit - Whatever rocks your boat, man ! By the way, there is some graffiti written here above the flush. You read ?
Elden - I saw it but i dont really like to multitask.
Rohit - Its in Hindi, it says - "नन्हे मुन्ने बच्चे तेरे मुट्ठी में क्या है ? "
Elden - Ha ha ha ha.
Rohit - Some imagination to come up with that ! Jesus Christ !!
Elden - Dont take the Lord's name with the Weener in your hand.
Rohit - Sorry.
*I finish with my thing and go out*
Elden - This conversation never happened and no one needs to know.
Rohit - Seriously dude.
.
.
.
.
In seemingly happier times.
.
.
Elden - Dude, nature calls. Anyone want to come with me ?
Jaideep - To watch you pee ?
Elden - No, no. We can go ask the car guy if there is any place nearby.
Rohit - Where the fuck do you think we are ? Fucking Singapore ?
Saagar - Ha ha, place to pee for fuck's sake ! This is India, man. Unzip, Hold and Shoot.
Elden - Whatever happened to good old Hygiene ?!?
Rohit - I will go with you. I need to deballast myself. Lets ask this guy.
Elden - Dude, is there a toilet nearby ?
Car Dude - Yeah mate, go right ahead.
Rohit and Elden - Thanks man.
*Goes straight in*
Rohit - Man this place smells like Satan took an epic dump. And there is just one shitpot.
Elden - Dude, some perspective okay. A minute ago we were contemplating relieving ourselves on Bipasha Basu's poster, on the wall.
Rohit - Dude, She is the best thing to come out my motherland after Sushmita Sen and Egg Roll. I wouldnt pee on her poster even if they held me at gunpoint. Voluntarily atleast.
Elden - Okay okay. Give me some space man. I really need to go in.
Rohit - Okay. Remember the keywords. Latch and Flush.
*Elden goes in and closes the door while I wait outside*
Elden- Motherfucker ! This shit door wont latch. Just dont come inside !
Rohit - Oh absolutely ! Watching you pee wasnt really on my list of things to do before I die.
Elden - Dude, dont you love the feeling of relief after holding back for so long ?
Rohit - Er, be specific man. That sounded like one of those sweet nothings you tell a chick after sex.
Elden - I am talking about peeing, okay.
Rohit - Okay, whatever. Yeah, maybe.
Elden - Motherfucker !!!
Rohit - Now what ?
Elden - The fucking flush does not work.
Rohit - Motherfucker !!! Thats another thing i will have to strike out from the things to do before you die list. 'Pee on another man's pee.' Thats just fucking sweet.
Elden - Dude, i am done.
Rohit - This place fills me with as much confidence as recovering sexaholic Russell Brand telling poor, unsuspecting Katy Perry: "You’re the only one for me, luv"
* Elden comes out, I go in. I close the door, he waits for me outside while i go in*
Rohit - Fuuuuuckkkk. Ooooh, Aaaaah....... I have waited soo long for this.
Elden - Dude, please stop having an oral orgasm in there.
Rohit - Fuck off man ! Not every moan has to symbolize sexual liberation. Do yourself a favour and cut down the 'Naughty America' for a few days. Maybe then, you can distinguish a 'relief' moan from a 'BJ' moan.
Elden - Now, some perspective here. An All-Guys hostel and No Naughty America is like Metallica without Cliff Burton.
Rohit - True that. Metallica turned a bit shite after he died.Bless the great man's soul ! FYI , My Reynold's number now above 4000.
Elden - If i remember Juggy D's ramblings correctly in Fluid Mech class, you are clearly experiencing Turbulent Fluid Flow. Ha ha, they should put a miniature airhostess inside your tract. "Ladies and Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, we are expecting turbulence."
Ha ha ha Ha ha.
Rohit -You Sir, are a disgusting little motherfucker. But tell me, why on earth do you call him Juggy D ?
Elden - Well, if i had a name like Jagdeeshwaran, i would have sued my parents for every freaking penny they got.
Rohit - Not that you have a great name anyway. When i first heard your name i thought you were Elton and Gay.
Elden - I would rather be Gay, than have the name of the hairy protagonist in every second pseudo-homo bollywood flick .
Rohit - Whatever rocks your boat, man ! By the way, there is some graffiti written here above the flush. You read ?
Elden - I saw it but i dont really like to multitask.
Rohit - Its in Hindi, it says - "नन्हे मुन्ने बच्चे तेरे मुट्ठी में क्या है ? "
Elden - Ha ha ha ha.
Rohit - Some imagination to come up with that ! Jesus Christ !!
Elden - Dont take the Lord's name with the Weener in your hand.
Rohit - Sorry.
*I finish with my thing and go out*
Elden - This conversation never happened and no one needs to know.
Rohit - Seriously dude.
.
.
.
.
In seemingly happier times.
.
.
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