Coming Out Of The Closet

'Geek' is not a word people would generally associate me with. I am highly certain if people i went to high school with, were questioned , they would probably raise their eyebrows, give you an incredulous look and between loud snorts of derision, tell you that you are a 'fucking idiot' and point out to you the error of your ways . Most would prefer remembering me by adjectives like 'rebel' or 'wierdo' but a few lowlives who still bear a misplaced sense of animosity would label me with various uncomplimentary names like a 'Hairy Assbandit'. I kindly request you to ignore them and push them off a mountain cliff. Or better, Set their Irodov textbooks on fire. That would anyways have them jumping off the cliffs voluntarily, Hee hee .

So after much thought and much less action, i have decided to let this be the day that i come out of the closet . I am tempted to deliver a Bill Pullman's Independence Day like speech but i shall refrain for the sake of your sanity and in an attempt to banish your growing sense of disbelief, i shall list to you, things that you barely know about me thus establishing without a shadow of doubt, the extreme levels of geekosterone in my being.

- I read the first 4 Harry Potter books, like 20 times each. I used to steal broomsticks from the house and take them to a secret place. I would then sit on one of them , constantly kicking the ground like an stupid retard . Mom was confused when she saw ' Firebolt' engraved in one of the brooms.

- Wanted to enact the part of 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' in some shitty play in class, when a female ( now a very good friend) looked at me with disdain and said , "Excuse me ? But wasnt Tom Riddle supposed to be good looking ?" ( Still hurts btw)

- Used to trade Pokemon cards with like minded people and i remember telling people off from stealing other people's cards because its not a good thing to do morally and how cards were exactly like Pokemon and you cannot engineer a healty level of mutual trust, admiration and love with stolen cards. Apparently.

- Once, my anger caused me to curse one of my fellow classmates. I lost control as i picked up my pen, shouting at the top of my lungs " You will pay for this, you bastard." and then pointed the pen at his chest and cried, ' Petrificus Totalus'. Nothing happened and i felt like an idiot . Cried myself to sleep that night because this incident had well and try proved that i was nothing but a fucking Muggle.

- I once weighed myself before and after taking a dump. The only conclusion i came to was that i needed an instrument with a much lesser 'least count'.

- Whenever alone, used to borrow the leg of some broken chair, strutting around like Gandalf the Grey complete with his staff . Scared the shit out of my brother once , when i duplicated the epic ' You shall not pass ! ' with the leg of a wooden chair.

- Thought i was as cool as Samuel L Jackson, when i scratched out the ' DO NOT' in the 'Please Do Not Scratch, Scribble Or By Any Other Means, Spoil The Lift.' Got caught the next day trying to add some finishing touches to my 'work' and my dad had to pay the fine.

- Half created a Marauder's map of Singhania and spent more than a month searching for a Chamber Of Secrets in the school. Went to every basin in the school and made hissing noises. People thought i was retarded.

- Wanted to do a Gollum and address my first love letter as ' My Preciousssss.' Thought better of it. Fortunately.

- Choke Slammed a very good friend ( who was an bellend back then) on the teacher's table because he described 'Chris Jericho's entry music as 'tripe'. " Take that you prick !" I remember screaming after i slammed the poor motherfucker, "And you dont say shit about Jericho. Like Ever !"

- Some snake obsessed black magic practising classmate made voodoos of me ( No kidding) because i had apparently pissed him off in some way . One day, i felt his highly evil gaze on me and my stomach started paining real bad. I was convinced that i was completely under his 'spell' and so i tore a paper and wrote my will, donating my books to the charity and making my brother the rightful heir to my epic collection of Pokemon Cards, Tazos and Video games . The pain increased with every passing moment till i got home and took a dump.
My brother was not best pleased.

- I once celebrated scoring a decent goal by doing a Jack Sparrow impersonation of 'Where is all the Rum gone ?' . My team mates asked me if i was on my period.

- Threatened to actually skin a person alive and eat his liver with pineapple jam, when he mentioned something along the lines of Samwise Gamgee and Frodo harbouring sexual feelings for each other.

- Duplicated Ruud Van Nistelrooy's hairdo but couldnt score a penalty to save my life . Duplicated David Beckham's hairdo and couldnt score, no matter how 'Loos' the girls were. Duplicated Jimi Hendrix and got called a rapist.

- Once saw a used condom fallen on the ground and I thought it was a balloon. I was going to blow it up before one of my friends told me exactly what it was used for and the places the rubbery fucker may have visted.

- The first time I was contemplating asking a girl out, I was the confident Marlon Brando in front of the guy friends telling them stuff like ' I shall make her an offer she cannnot refuse' and other similar things. But when it was time to walk the walk,
Rohit- Hi
Girl - Hey Rohit, you wanted to see me ?
Rohit - Er yeah.
Girl - Yeah, what happened ?
Rohit - I was just wondering...
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Well, i was just..
Girl - Yeah..
Rohit - Er, i was..
Girl - * Beautiful Smile*
Rohit - What toothpaste you use ?
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Yeah, er ! Toothpaste ?
Girl - Er Pepsodent , why ?
Rohit - No, nothing. That was exactly what i was wondering.
Girl - Huh ?
Rohit - Never mind. I was just kinda curious.
Girl - Huh ? Why ?
Rohit - Its er..nothing, really. I am doing like a er...a survey.
Girl - Erm okay. * Fucking wierdo*
That night, Rohit Saha slept with the fishes.

- Was a Self Appointed Sex councillor back in std 6th. Explained to a guy (Code name - Dixcy) that you cannot get pregnant by kissing. To which he said, "Arre Baba , i heard that some glands in the mouth produce semen as well and if this semen gets transferred from my mouth to hers and through her entire digestive tract and into her ovaries , phir to waat hai na ? ". I narrowed my eyes, put a hand on my chin and with a sombre expression said. " Man ! That is something i have never thought about."

- Have seen Fight Club so many times that i rattled out Tyler Durden's entire 'Middle Children Of History' speech, sloshed.

There are many such incidents but i cannot remember them all. So, i think its time to conclude the in depth 'Cribbs' like tour of my closet. The shower of skeletons falling from all directions just goes to show that behind the visage of a Rebellious Metalhead, lies a true Geek . I dont let him come out too often, for this world is not a safe place for him. He will stay locked up in the closet and bide his time. One day, the Earth will become a better place , and he will be free to go.

Blah, i am getting sentimental now, so signing off seems the only logical thing to do . Cheers.

P. S - Watch Francis Ford Copolla's Vietnam War Epic 'Apocalypse Now' whilst stoned. Takes it to a whole new level. :-D